Finding my destiny……..

Hello. hahah, recently I feel like I just want to delete this blog because I feel that nobody was going to read it anymore but I hold back my thought because I am actually somebody who loves to see my writings be published, be it in websites or newspaper or magazine or anything. I don’t care if my ramblings is crap or anything, as long as there is one or two person that will reads my ramblings, it is more than enough for me. Actually I think the reason that people didn’t like to read my blog is maybe it’s too draggy and I wrote it as long as a novel. But I can’t help it because I love to pour out everything I feel. Even if there’s nobody reading it, I still feel satisfied because it’s like the place for me to express myself.

Recently, I have been thinking about my dreams. Things that I dream to do in my life. Actually, what did I really want to do in my life? Have you ever thought like this? I observe that nowadays people does not care about their dream anymore. As compared to the time when we are still kids and when people ask us about our dream, we will say that we want to be doctor, stewardess, singer, this and that. But when we grow up, all of that vanished and what we only think was to find a job that will give us big salary, big house and big cars. Deep in my heart, I did not agree with this situation but what can I do in this materialistic so-called modern world? But after I think about it again, it is really hard actually to reach your dream in this sadistic and cruel reality. You can fantasize about your dream as much as you want but when you are back to reality, there’s nothing you can actually do to realize it.

My dream, when I was still small was to become a stewardess. I’m longing to be a stewardess because I really admire going to other countries to see how they live and their condition. It is not that I did not like Malaysia, but I actually have this weird passion to travel. I love travelling to other places. REALLY seriously passionate about it. Whether I’m going alone or with somebody, it doesn’t matter as long as I am travelling everywhere in the world. So, I thought the only way for me to reach my dream that is travelling around the world is to become a stewardess. But, back to reality, I don’t think I will ever be accepted at all. I have enough qualification, but I don’t have the looks or put it simply, I’m ugly. Stewardess are usually so beautiful and graceful so I don’t think they will accept me. I heard that nowadays, employees usually will look at the picture in your resume first before calling you so this is a proof that it will be getting harder for me to get a job in this modern world let alone to reach my dreams. I don’t know if it’s my fate to grow up looking like this or maybe I’m just too lazy too change myself. But changing outer appearance needs money and I don’t want to burden my parents or anybody else so I guess I will succumb to reality just like everybody else did that is finding ordinary job that can provide me money, cars or house. Reality is painful, but it is something that you have to live through. As for me, even though I know it is possible for me to reach my dream, but it will stay true in my heart as long my life goes.

Happy holiday to everybody in IIUM. After a gruelling semester, I guess what I really need is a nice, quiet holiday. I’m very much pressured during the exam period this semester maybe due to the nature of the subject. There are lots of tough subject but it had become a common thing to me. Everybody will have to go through tough subjects every semester. In fact, when I got into the exam hall, I don’t feel the pressure at all and I just got nervous before the exam. It’s a funny dilemma of exams. By the way, my exams actually finished yesterday and usually I will head straight back home after exam but this semester, I have to stay back until 9 April due to my work at the cyber cafe. Actually I don’t really mind anymore whether I go back late or earlier. It does not become something that bothers me anymore. I guess maybe it’s a sign of maturity?? heheheh. And maybe because I don’t want to leave my dear Matsumoto Jun as I will not bring my PC home. I’m going to be away for two weeks from all his precious videos and pictures that I saved in my PC. hmmmm…. But anyway, hope that I can relax and enjoy the holiday. And here I post pictures of My MatsuJun baby on request of Wan Syafiqa, the sister of my friend Syakira whom I found as a very interesting girl who shares the same interests (a lot) in entertainment as me. You can found the rest of Matsumoto Jun’s pics on the photo album that I had put on this blog.

This is the latest picture of him. Luckily he got rid of the curly hairstyle of Doumyouji Tsukasa, the role he played in Hana Yori Dango —> Meteor Garden Japan.

This is also the latest look of him. He’s so pretty, isn’t he? My friends thought that he was a girl when I first show them his picture.

A more masculine image from him. This is the latest from a magazine.

I think he is the most prettiest among the Arashi members. Even though nowadays I also like Sakurai Sho because he is very macho and funny. After MatsuJun, Sho is my second favorite member of Arashi. By the way, Sho is on the right bottom side.

Pay attention to his eyelashes. Lentik gileeerr. It’s so curvy that even I as a girl will get jealous.

This is MatsuJun as Sawada Shin in my favorite drama, Gokusen. He’s so cool in here because his character was rebellious and doesn’t talk too much. This drama is the first time I realize that I had fallen for him.

And for the last pic… When I first show this picture to a girl friend, her first reaction was, "Oh my God, she’s so pretty!!! Who is she? Is she an actress?". Crazy but that’s her reaction. He can disguised as a girl easily

Happy Holiday!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How’s everybody been doin’? Heheh, I doubt if anybody was going to read this entry as everybody was busy with exam and holiday but I’m just updating anyway. I know everybody (In IIUM especially) are now in the exam blues. One thing that I hate about exam blues is that you can’t simply do anything that you want. It was as if your life was controlled by something that does not allow you to do anything. For example, I am a kind of person that couldn’t read books or notes for hours because I get bored easily. When I’m bored, usually I will watch movies, or watch my video collection of Arashi (My latest obsession) in my PC, but then a certain feeling of guilt came to my mind that tells me to read the books and not wasting time on my PC. This feeling of guilt keep coming that I finally succumb to it and go back reading my notes. But I will still get bored then and there is nothing I can do and sometimes I feel like killing myself. It was the same situation that I have to go through every semester and I guess everybody else also will get their own version of exam blues. One thing that still keep me refresh is my latest crush, Matsumoto Jun from Japan’s famous pop group, Arashi. He is a great and committed actor. Being in love with him and his group now because they are such fun people. Matsumoto Jun is Doumyouji from Hana Yori Dango, Meteor Garden version Japan. He do looks scary in the drama, but I fell in love with him after watching him in 5 last episodes of Hana Yori Dango (Kinda dislike him in the beginning) and Gokusen (He’s soo cool in here)and also after downloading tons of his music video with Arashi and their ‘baka’ (meaning ’stupid’ in Japanese) TV shows, G No Arashi, D No Arashi, Mago Mago Arashi and sometimes M No Arashi. Luckily youtube.com upload their their tv show every week so even though I’m not in Japan, I can still watch Matsujun -> his pet name and the rest of Arashi every week. They do a lot of crazy stuff among each other and to other people in this shows. Here’s some picture of my Matsujun baby and Arashi:

This is my favourite picture of him. So kakkoiii (handsome)!!!

Winning an award for Hana Yori Dango. Go Matsujun!!!

With his group, Arashi. I had started to like the rest of them too after watching their TV show, D No Arashi. All of them are so funny. From left is Sakurai Sho (the rapper of the group), Ninomiya Kazunari (The master of pranks and jokes. Always make pranks on other Arashi member), Aiba Masaki (The nice guy), Ohno Satoshi a.k.a Ridda (The leader)and Matsumoto Jun (the kakkoii factor of the group)

Sometimes he look like a girl, isn’t he?

His eyes….and his gaze was another factor that makes me fall for him.

For those of you who want to watch their video clip, go to my profile. I put my favorite video of them (that is also my favorite song of them), Sakura Sake. I will yet to put up their hilarious tv show, D No Arashi, G No Arashi and Ni No Arashi for my friends in IIUM who wants to know Arashi more. Till then, see ya till next update!

Long time no see everybody! I feels like ages since my last post. Not that I’m being lazy, but unfortunately my life had been too preoccupied with a lot of things lately. Things that students do, as usual. In fact, I don’t feel the need to update this blog coz there is not much to talk about instead of telling you who’s my new crush and new films and all that sort. I guess my life is getting boring because right now is the period of presentations and assignments so I don’t really have the freedom to surf internet to update blog (that I know nobody will be reading it) because I have to surf internet for academic purpose—> to find resources for presentations and assignments. I hope next semester my life would become more interesting than this semester and I hope I will get new challenges or anything. It matters as I have only one year to go… that is this year. I hope next year I will be graduating and I will start a new life but still being who I am. Recently, I’m crazy about Jay Chou’s new songs. I know he’s a good composer but I don’t really care because I can’t understand what he is saying or what his lyric is all about. But one thing for sure is his music was damn good. I download his whole album via internet and I’ve been listening to it non-stop nowadays. He is really a music genius. Check out his video of his first single of his album, November’s Chopin, that is ‘Ye Qu’ on my profile and please listen to the song. It was really amazing how he combined rap into such a heart-wrenching song. I also have a crush on Nicholas Tse these days. I like him before when I watch him in Gen X Cops back in 1999 but at that time, I just thought of him as just a cute boy with attitude and nothing more. But after watching him acts in different characters in ‘The Promise’ and ‘A Chinese Tall Story’ recently, I think he had grown up from being the HK bad boy to an actor with passion. I also tried to listen to his music because I have never listen to his songs before even though I know he is a popular singer and I found out that his voice is not bad even though his style of music is more towards rock. There are some of his songs that are good for listening and I found myself becoming a fan of him. Don’t know for how long but we’ll see

My new sweetheart —> Nicholas Tse Ting Fung

As a monk in A Chinese Tall Story (Weird, but really really cuteee. He is so a leng chai—> handsome boy)

His new album —-> Released. Mandarin album, though. I don’t really like it when he sang in Mandarin. Sounds weird to me.

He is so CUTEEEEEEEEEEEE

Musical Genius ——> Jay Chou. I like his music, but I don’t really like him in person. He’s cute, but moody and seldom smile. Don’t like him as an actor. I don’t think his acting in Initial D is any good. (Just my opinion, really)

November’s Chopin —> One of my favorite album so far

Actually there’s a lot of things happening in my life right now that I couldn’t even believe will happen to me. Some of them is I got to work part time in cyber cafe, (yay! I got to surf and download songs for freeee. heheheh but then I’m working there maa) my best friend confess that he is in love with me, I’ve got truckloads of presentations, assignments, quizzes, mid-terms and god-knows-what and my life just get busier than ever. I don’t know whether it is me or the situation that throw me into this hectic lifestyle. Whether it is me that go looking for all this chaos or I’m just plain unlucky (except 4 the part time work laa). But last Friday I got to squeeze from my tight schedule (chewaaah, cam bintang filem lak) to go and watch movie with another movie critic, Dayat. We both are movie critics la kira kan, heheheh. Dayat was urging me nonstop to watch the movie ‘Baik Punya Cilok’ by Afdlin Shauki. I wasn’t hesitant to watch it at all even though people who know me knows that I despise Malay movies (especially movies by crappy Prof Razak). I just can’t stand the stereotype of love and anak mami. But Baik Punya Cilok prove otherwise. It’s a hilarious movie with comedy style that you have never imagine would exist. It’s one of the movies that make me thought, "movies can be like this?" after Pulp Fiction (John Travolta, Uma Thurman). The humor was original and unimaginable. Even though some people say the storyline was kinda ‘berterabur’ but I like the way Afdlin put and blend his sense of humor into this movie. I read his blog and he even refer to himself as selambakodok (obviously a kodok lover) and I think he is brilliant and have a lot of ideas to change movie industry.His sense of humor always shock me in a sense that it was very spontaneous and yet can make you laugh like crazy. He is also very open minded to those who thinks that BPC is bad. Keep it up, man! I know Dayat had become his die-hard fan now, haha. The other main important factors that make me loove the movie even more is Hans Isaac. Yeah, read it again, I loooveee Hans in this movie. Before this I only saw him acting as a smart and hand some guy whom wears suit and casual clothes. But in BPC he is so different because he dressed up like a hip hop + skater bloke, he’s looking younger than ever and he is looking so cute + handsome in this movie. Or maybe it’s because the way Afdlin direct the cameraman to focus on Hans face or whatever. I know crushing on Hans Isaac do sound weird (Syakira, you might be laughing now) but I really like him the most in this movie. I guess he is the eye candy in this movie as Awie, AC and Afdlin got their own different style. And Carmen Soo rocks! She can be one of the Charlie’s Angels. This movie is highly recommended to release your tension as you’ll be laughing all the way until the movie ends. Here’s some pics of Baik Punya Cilok. Credits to Tayangan Unggul for all the pics.

Crazy 4

The Poster (check out the crew’s list yg kat bwh tu)

My crush…..Hans Isaac (handsome+cute+charismatic)

Strategi—-> nak rompak Kedai Pajak Gadai Uncle Wong

Aside from Baik Punya Cilok, I bought Radja’s CD on that day and their song is highly recommended too. Even though not one of them is handsome (you can see for yourself in the picture below, heheh), but it’s the first time that I ever like somebody’s music without even bother to mind how they look like. I know Peterpan got Ariel (he’s soo cute, I met him myself new year hari tu) and Sheila on 7 have Duta (handsome deeh) but Radja’s strength lies in their music. Try listen to their song Jujur & Wahai Kau Cinta and you know what I am saying. I guess now I’m getting matured because I no longer like somebody’s music just because they are handsome or cute because right now I am also a crazy fan of  James Blunt’s music, Fort Minor and Green Day. I’m crazy downloading their songs these days (mentang2la keje kat cc kan).I guess I wrote too much this time, heheehehhe

Radja

Happy new year everybody. How’s everybody been doing? I’m still catching up with classes, assignments, quizzes and upcoming mid-terms after a hectic new year’s eve that I had been going through. Surely it’s a memorable new year’s eve but I can’t tell where I have it here and let it just remain a memorable secret for me. Today I read a blog of a boy who is my closest friend here in IIUM but now we had grown apart because of one thing: the feelings that come between my friendship with him. I read that he was very frustrated that I rejected him that he doesn’t want to call me or message me because he was still hurt. He was so frustrated that he feel the past year had bring terrible memory for him. I cannot imagine how sad I felt when I read his blog because I have no intention at all to break his heart and I have no intention to do this to anybody in this world. Strange enough, the saying "everything that you do, will get back on you someday" really hit me hard because I also face the same situation as him that is falling in love with somebody who cannot create any feeling towards you. I cannot create any feelings towards him because I have long consider him as a friend and the same thing happens to me vice versa. I have already taste the bitterness of being rejected but yet I guess it was because I had reject him earlier. I completely understand what he feels because I experienced it too but there is one thing that I wish, never blame the person that didn’t love you back because they didn’t have any intention to break anybody’s heart. I never blame the person that I fall in love with instead I just feel grateful he still consider me as a friend. Love cannot be forced as it was a natural power that nobody can ever resist when it did comes. In the meantime, just leave everything to fate. Do not feel as if nobody will ever love you in the world.Just appreciate the friendship that we had today because we’ll never know what will happen to us tomorrow.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and suddenly on the night of 23 Dec 2005, I found a lot of inspiration to wrote poems. I had always wrote poem before but I never have the guts to let anybody read it. But exclusively here, I publish two of my poems for your readings. Hope that I will get a motivative feedback and comments from you guys. I’m just an amateur poet, with no skills at all but only with a passion for writing poems. My inspiration always come from the loneliness that I had and my past experience. Hope you guys can leave a comment.

A sorrow song of a girl to herself

how did I actually fall into a trap,

that was made from my own hand?

I feel as if I had fallen into a trap

that was carefully woven and knitted

with the thread that was made

from sorrow and sadness

by my own hands

I try to escape from this trap

that had seemed to crushed me down

far, far away from HAPPINESS

an English word that I still

could not comprehend the meaning

until today because it seems

to be a very strange word for me

the word HAPPINESS do sound strange for me, as

in this carefully woven trap of grief and sadness

I can only decipher the meaning of weep

weeping for everything that I cannot own

weeping for everything that I have lost

weeping for the pain that I have caused

weeping for the sins that I have done

no saviors nor heroes ever came

and no powers nor magic ever dare

to release me from this trap

as it was controlled and guarded

by the guards of my own fate

by the minister of my own thoughts

by the kings of my own destiny

and by the god of my own self

23/12/2005

2:21am

The song of a girl to her soul

In the world’s broad field of battle,

In the bivouac of Life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle!

Be a hero in the strife!*

Am I just one of the dumb, driven cattle?

because I was certain that

my soul is not functioning

that it never give any original ideas

or give me the strength to lead.

My soul is like one of the driven cattle,

following others but never try

to lead others itself.

I detest my soul

for never giving me any chance

to be original without copying others.

More and more I started to think

of myself as a non-functioning creature

that have an empty soul

with no ideas on how

to look at life from a different angle.

My soul had become

a one-dimension device

that will work with only

a command from somebody else

or thoughts from powerful leaders

or examples from successful people

because my soul understands

that I will never become any of those

and that I will be one of the driven cattle

for plenty of time

until my soul find its way

to release itself.

23/12/2005

2:40am

*Quote taken from Henry Wordsworth Longfellow’s “The Psalm of Life” (1838,1839)

Have you ever ask yourself a question what will happen if you ever tell somebody that you like him or her? Or what will happen if you don’t? Have you ever ask yourself whether you are being stupid or clever by doing that? I do. And it is a question that have been playing in my mind for soo long. Recently I watch a hindustani movie (yeah, go on, laugh) I know it’s not my kind of movie but this movie is fun and have some interesting dialogue and the title is Salaam Namaste and it got Saif Ali Khan & Preity Zinta in it. It’s a very new generation movie but I’m not going to talk about the movie here but instead I want to talk about a dialogue that was said by the hero, Nick (Saif) to the heroine, Amby (Preity). He said to her: "If ten years from now, I woke up, found somebody else beside me and ask myself a question, why I never give Nick and Ambar a chance, or will something happen, I could never find out the answer because it was too late". The dialogue kinda reminds me of a brave confession that I made to someone a few days back. I kept on asking the question whether I’m doing something that is stupid or clever? But I definitely tell myself over and over again that maybe I was acting stupid. But in the end, I guess it is a matter that you can never decide. Fate will take care of it and whether there is something happen or not, never put high hopes and let it go with the flow. That way, you can live your life to the fullest and be yourself. Now I don’t want to think whether it’s a stupid decision or not because life is short, you can never know what will happen to you. So if it was fate that I will die tomorrow or anything, I won’t regret anything because I guess I had tell everything that my heart wants to say. So, if you have anything to say to anyone or anybody, have courage to do it now because life is just…unpredictable.

It’s been soo long since I ever wrote in this blog again. Heh, as if anybody would care whether I wrote in this blog or not. But anyway, to my loyal readers, Syakira, Dayat, maybe Nau and Eric, hopefully you guys had a blissful new semester and to every friends of mine too. To my friends in other university who had just started their holiday, enjoy it while you can ok. My new semester opens with a lot of unblissful incident involving the break down of my beloved PC and my ‘almost’ beloved motorcycle that cause me to moon around in the room and do nothing. But yesterday, thankfully my parents stop by here and everything had gone back normal. And I am getting normal again too (because these days I am also having nervous break down because of the sudden end of my beloved holiday). Anyway, I had release my tension two days ago by going to watch Harry Potter for the second time and watch Aeon Flux straight after that. My opinion..(heheh, I’m a movie critics..perasan) both films are good but Aeon Flux didn’t seem to fulfill my expectation of it. It’s more of a love story than an action flick. But I like Charlize Theron’s style,(except her shoes..though) and I do think she can la become action heroine because of her serious face. Harry Potter.. did liven up to my expectation and I enjoyed it amidst the sounds of children crying and talking around me in the cinema while I’m watching it. I guess that’s how it goes if you are watching movies that have kids in it (even though I think they had actually became teenagers). The kids in the cinema also make noise as if they were part of the movie. I’m not annoyed, really but I think their parents should take care of the kids much more instead of being drown in the movies themselves. I wonder what are the new challenges that I have to face this semester. I hope it’s not jerebu again and I also hope we will not lack of water again. I wish for a happy and quiet semester even though I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’ll stop here before anyone yawns. To end this, I present to you Jo In Sung’s new look with his new haircut (this is especially for Syakira and her sisters that like him). I still like him though. Don’t be surprise!!!

This might be my last post for this semester cause after this I might be really busy with exams and of course Hari Raya that will be coming. Really, I don’t really feel any spirits of Hari Raya this semester because I can’t celebrate raya at my own sweet home (because I have to raya at my brother’s house, here in Serdang, KL) and because I can’t make my own cookies this year and also because my exam finish two days before Raya. But whatever the case is, I still feel bersyukur that I can celebrate raya this year. It’s not that I can’t see my parents or anything. To all my friends, SELAMAT HARI RAYA and MAAF ZAHIR BATIN. I know it’s a little bit tooo early to wish this but I’m afraid I don’t have time to wish this to everyone later because I might be busy studying for exams (I mean it.. because this sem I took two most diffficult subject - GA and Linguistic approach..) and I might not even find time to send raya cards to you guys as usual because I can’t go back to my house. Whatever the case is, I’m wishing all of you guys good luck for your final exams and especially for my one particular friend who will start exam after three days of raya (kesian ko..sabar aje la ye) and to my friends in Manjung that I couldn’t get to see during raya, sabor aje la ye but don’t worry because I’ll be back home after 2nd or 3rd day of raya (depending on my mom’s mercy) and then I’ll go to your houses yeh? To my IIUM friends, next sem don’t forget to bring me duit raya and kuih raya (this goes especially to Dayat, Su, Naurah, Eric and Syakira) and I’ll bring mine also laa. Tapi only kuih raya je, heheeheh (kidding, ne?) Good Luck again to everybody and hope you guys can wish me luck too.

p/s: Everybody (especially Nau & Eric) feels really weird why I’m really into Korean stuff now but don’t worry, I ‘ll get back to my senses maybe after I finish watching my Spring Day vcds. Yesss, I finally got to buy the vcds (thanks to Su coz bringing me out to KL last Saturday) and I’m in Jo In Sung’s fever now. But will I ever come to my senses back? I don’t think so.. haha because Jo In Sung is so cute that it’s hard to get over him. To Eric, we now can start the Korean vs Japanese war nee and to Nau, I remind you again, Jo In Sung is mineeee!!!! Jo In Sung is ‘dega chua yi namja’ (Korean language meaning ‘the guy that I like’). So, Nau, keep your hands off him aa!! Hahahah

Forever In Sung!!!!!!!!